The NPL Title Belt is a Burden That Many Cannot Hold for Long

The Reremice humble the division leading Javelineers with whoopin’ they haven’t seen since they were caught peeking at nudie magazines by their 4th grade teacher during recess. Similarly, the Javelineers felt rather conflicted to be so aroused during such a beating. RYAN WINS, 54-32

The NPL Global Tour hasn’t been very popular among those outside of North America, but nevertheless Michael and Berkenbile take the show on the road to Nepal. Though only 133 Nepalese fans showed up for the contest, you could tell by the look of confusion on their faces that some kind of game was definitely happening. MICHAEL WINS, 36-22

The JeStErS, struggling after a historically hot start, are protesting the outcome of this game. In the 4th quarter, down 35-14, the Rock-Lobsters fumbled at the 1-yard line, and LB Matt Mattice delicately aided the ball out of the back of the endzone to claim it as a touchback. While neither team knew there was an infraction, and commentators, former players, and NSPN personalities hadn’t heard of the rule, it wasn’t until a half hour after the game ended that fans and coaches of the JeStErS decided to be outraged over a unenforced rule they didn’t even know existed. The referee that made the no-call was summarily executed. MATT WINS, 35-14

Lauren walked all over the host Vapulaters. They got to an early 20-0 lead, then the Vapulaters gave their fans a glimmer of hope, like the senior girl that says she’ll flash you if you do her math homework, with a pick six. But like the girl, it was all a lie as their only score was called back by a questionable penalty. LAUREN WINS, 29-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

You win some, you lose some. The Jaws-of-Life are dropped by the Rock Lobsters, after a gutsy, and ultimately failed, two-point conversion in overtime with 0:00 on the clock. Rather than play for the tie and roll into the next OT period, the head coach sent the offense out for the win to retain the NPL Title Belt. When asked about it, the aging coach said, “I don’t like to be out past 9 o’clock.” RICKY WINS, 44-43

The Bous and BB Cannons have a long standing rivalry. At least, that’s what the Bous would have you think. It’s not like they’ve had much success against the Pyschic Division powerhouse. Their divisional match-up is a renewal of this so-called rivalry… and it went as expected. BRENT WINS, 35-6

After an enormously entertaining first quarter, which ultimately saw all of the scoring between the two teams, the game took a turn for the boring. Until time expired in the 4th quarter, both teams repeatedly failed to make it to field goal range. LeSavengers fans, on the other hand, set concessions purchase records thanks to the tedium. BETTE WINS, 26-12

The Adam Bombs usually crumble and die against top tier teams, but that’s not the case today while visiting the returned-to-glory Braggadocios. With their excessive usage of Hatchet Body Spray to keep the Brandon defense out of the pocket, the A-Bombs were able to pile on the passing yards. ADAM WINS, 44-31

Signals must have been crossed, because Rachel showed up to an abandoned stadium on Sunday. When league officials attempted to reach the Zeros front office, they were greeted with machines. The Wrecking Balls spent 27 minutes at the front gate waiting for someone to let them in, so they were awarded 27 points. RACHEL WINS, 27-0

Looks like the rebuilding years have finally started to payoff for the Evil Entities. They move to 6-2 on the year with this victory over the Martians. His turn at QB, Ethan Ebow was inspired! He set an NPL record for passes to himself, by catching seven deflections for 32 yards. Now if only they could do something about the smell at their stadium. ETHAN WINS, 27-6

The Cutthroats want to establish dominance in the Auspex Division, like a gorilla that’s been transferred to a new zoo location. Much like that, the Cutthroats pinned the Androids down and made sure every onlooker knew who’s boss. COREY WINS, 18-0

This one was closer than the final score indicates. Both teams were neck and neck before midway into the 4th quarter, where the Labeorphiles stepped on the gas and left Travis in the rearview. Laci improves to 3-5, and are, strangely, still in contention for a playoff spot in that Auspex Division. LACI WINS, 47-24

The trash talk was aplenty in the days leading up to this match-up. The game mostly lived up to the hype, with Axell taking a 20-10 lead entering the 4th quarter. That’s when Kevin played an Uno Reverse card and put some distance between them and the Abactors in the bonus period. KEVIN WINS, 37-20

The second match-up of the Joel-Steven rivalry sure was a banger. The juices were really flowing, with walls of tightly packed meat smacking into each other at high speeds, sizzling offensive strikes, and something else about meat. To mock their visiting opponents, the Juggernauts gave away 3-inch sausages to all fans, which is a similar deal the Steven players have with their own wives (heyyo!). Anyway, in OT, STEVEN WINS, 45-40

Something in the Ballerinas gameplan worked this week, as they managed to hold out in overtime against the visiting Jellyfish. The uptempo, reverse-heavy offense of the Ballerinas confounded the visitors in the bonus period. DAVENA WINS, 35-32

Well, this PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIIME match-up didn’t really live up to the hype. It was a good game until about three minutes into the first quarter. From then on out, it looked like Brian was playing against the Cannibals practice squad. Those Cannibals did have a big night out on Saturday, partying downtown and on a yacht out on the lake. Only 13 starters were arrested and are currently in holding cells, so that’s clearly not the reason they lost, I think. BRIAN WINS, 27-15