The NPL Title Belt Still Seeks Its True Master!

JDIII said he’d retire if they didn’t secure a win on the road against Adam. Thankfully, the Adam Bombs really like having JDIII in the league, so they went easy today. He lives to play another day, which is good because he has NOT been saving up for retirement. JOSH WINS, 35-4

The Berkenbile Baboons lined up on every offensive down in a Pistol – Full House formation. On the snap the three backs would meet at the QB who would pass the ball to a random player. It was the second effective Hidden Ball Play offense in the NPL since 2015, and it worked to the tune of 219 yards rushing in the winning effort. BERKENBILE WINS, 38-14

As with most NPL match-ups, one would assume that the two teams would have some heated exchanges at midfield before the coin toss – as 93% of all NPL ejections occur before or after the game. Instead they hugged, showed pictures of their cats and dogs, talked about their summers, and agreed to get together after the game for iced tea. It was pleasant. Then LeScoot curb-stomped Michael’s asses. LeSCOOT WINS, 36-0

This one came down to the wire, but was decided by a Wildcat touchdown fail, as Reremice RB Ryan Rinkleman fumbled the snap on 2nd and Goal, tied up with just 0:32 remaining. The Braggadocios DT, Brandonus Brandleman, lumbered 94 yards for the score. Fat guy spike. Fat guy dance. Game. BRANDON WINS, 52-45

The Juggernauts visit the Androids and despite a solid 5-for-5 on field goals from the Legend of Leg, Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, the Juggernauts could not best the defensive programming of the Androids. ANDREW WINS, 36-22

NPL Title Belt Match!

In their first NPL Title Belt defense of 2020, the Rock Lobsters quicklyy diagnosed how poorly their offense was doing and decided to be bold on their first two scores of the game in the 2nd quarter: they went for two each time. They failed. They actually played very poorly otherwise, as well. VINCE WINS, 36-12

The Lychnobites can’t seem to figure it out this year. They put up a big fat goose egg against the visiting J-o-L in one of their worst offensive performances of the year. The promising Lauren offense finds themselves in the cellar of the Mystic Division, though there is time left to change their fortunes. JERRY WINS, 26-0

Matt wants the post-season more than most teams, since their players’ playoff bonuses are, on average, 3x higher than any other team in the league. But the BB Cannons are out to prove that they’re better than the dick and fart jokes they put in their official team documents, and they punish the expansion team on “Bring Your Most Cherished Loved Ones Who Truly Hate to See You Upset Night”. BRENT WINS, 44-12

The Zeros have a way of leaving us speechless. First, it was the time they tried the topless uniform in 2015, then it was the crotchless uniform pants in 2018, then it was the OnlyFans channel “Zero Clothes on the Zeros”, that inexplicably went viral. Somehow, that makes their on field performances somewhat reasonable. KEVIN WINS, 35-14

The Jellyfish play host to the Evil Entities and they pulled all the stops. They vacuumed the visitors’ locker room, inflated footballs, and even agreed to put turf in the stadium, instead of the clay tennis surface they’d been using in recent weeks. Ethan appreciated the changes, but the Jellyfish offense appreciated them a lot more. JENNIFER WINS, 45-24

Miranda hosts the Ballerinas and the guests did not follow proper visiting etiquette. They openly discussed religion and politics, helped themselves to the refrigerator, didn’t remove their shoes even though Miranda installed new carpet, and their punter shit on all the coats. But a W’s a W. MIRANDA WINS, 46-22

The Rachel Wrecking Balls plan to hold the top spot in the Augur Division is derailed by the most unlikely of teams. The dumpster fire in shoulder pads, the Axell Abactors, snap out of their season-long suck-comas to put an absolute beatdown on the home team. AXELL WINS, 47-32

Corey would have liked to have collected a win in this one, especially late in the season, to put themselves in a good position with only a few weeks left of regular season play, and just to knock the Steven Sausages down a peg or two. It didn’t happen. The Sausages win-streak extends to four games. STEVEN WINS, 33-24

Once the Labeorphilse pulled to a 23-0 lead at halftime, the Bongos went with a rather bold strategy of “do more of the same.” Laci, on the other hand, kept the momentum by running mostly out of a modified I-formation, with both backs lined up behind the right or left tackle. Referees weren’t sure if it was legal, but they’re usually day drunk anyway. LACI WINS, 37-15

There were rumors abound that the losing team had to wear the underwear of the winning team for a full week, but they haven’t been substantiated. This writer hopes that’s the case because it’s a well known fact that the victorious Cannibals either wear very little underwear, instead embracing the Icelandic fashion of “the nut pouch”. CHRIS WINS, 36-15

Well, Cari certainly did put up a good fight for part of this PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME match-up. That part was the first seven minutes or so, where they bulled the struggling JeStErS offense into two safeties to take a 4-3 lead. But the JeStErS eventually figured things out. The Bous get to keep their theme song “Started at the Bottom – We’re Still Here” for a little while longer. JASON WINS, 19-4