Berkenbile was the Wrecking Balls killer all along!

NPL Title Belt Match!

The spooooky NPL Title Belt Curse is taking shape once again. The Ryan Reremice won the belt and now have defended the belt. That leaves the inevitable loss next week to their upcoming challenger, who I didn’t bother to look up because I’m not paid by the hour. Or at all. In overtime, the Reremice pile it on for the W to retain the belt… for now. Muahahahahahahahaha! RYAN WINS, 44-29

The Berkenbile BaBOOns help Rachel realize their worst nightmare: losing. The Wrecking Balls perfect record is now forgotten, like the little boy that drowned in the lake when the camp counselors were exploring each other sexually. BERKENBILE WINS, 29-6

The Zeros can’t trick the Minotaurs defense with their fullback-option-pass-back offense. Instead, they’re treated to a fantastic ass whoopin’ at home, which has been haunted by five losses in their last six games. MICHAEL WINS, 37-13

At the end of every October, the Bendelgalt Spirit emerges and claims the unworthy, dragging them to Biscthalt, a hellish landscape where the souls of the dead feast upon the screams of the tormented. I made all that up, but I’m pretty sure that’s what happened to Steven this week. MATT WINS, 37-0

The Bongos had a witch of a time with the JeStErS, who frightened up a decent return to their high scoring offense we saw in Week 1 and Week 2. The Bongos held on as long as they could. JASON WINS, 35-22

After a number of Delay of Game penalties, it was determined that the rookie franchise, Samuel, perhaps didn’t show up to the game. After all, their sideline was as empty as the haunted house down the road where teenagers go to smoke pot and get murdered. JOEL WINS, 35-0

The Vapulaters tried a little Witches Brew during the twilight hour preceding the rise of the full moon. They all turned into Brugtarrin, demon hounds of Biscthalt who guard the Bysumba, the Ferrymen of Death. Needless to say, it was an easy win after that. VINCE WINS, 28-15

The Killcows are the thing of nightmares for the Braggadocios. Is there anything scarier than losing to a 1-5 team when you’re one game out of first place? Maybe poltergeists. Those are scary. KEVIN WINS, 45-34

The Jennifer Jellyfish trap the Bette Blue Tits in the basement of the meat factory, then set it ablaze, unleashing 53 vengeful spirits into the world who will torment the innocent until their wrongful deaths are avenged. At least, that’s what it felt like watching this blowout. JENNIFER WINS, 36-6

Haunted by their abysmal record, the Abactors feared they would be forgotten in Biscthallyn, the nether realm that sits between the earthly plane and Biscthalt and is home to the lost. That or they didn’t want to be in last place by themselves, so they kicked LeButt. AXELL WINS, 35-15

The DaVena Ballerinas are actually a collection of enraged fairies, with hundreds of razor sharp teeth, claws that can pierce steel, and incredible brute strength. None of that matters when you drop a fuckin’ bomb on them. ADAM WINS, 36-21

The Jaws-of-Life are going to need a bigger boat for all the wins they’re collecting in the first half of every season. They sense blood in the water here, and bite right through the home team Cutthroats. Blood. Blood everywhere. JERRY WINS, 37-21

It’s entirely possible that the IT managers that were responsible for turning on the Androids for this match-up were themselves lost in Biscthallyn. Regardless, they gift a win to the BB Cannons here. BRENT WINS, 27-0

The Rock Lobsters looked so cool in their “competent football players” costumes, that they get (for one game) to be called Tha Lobstas. Laci gets sacrificed on the altar of Bethusne, beginning the Ritual of Bharmaduu which will cleanse the earth of non-believers. Allegedly. RICKY WINS, 37-4

The Cari Boos bounce back, scaring up a big road win to stay competitive in the Psychic Division. The Tichorrhines end up with a bag of Halloween candies that are full of drugs – what the evening news always warned us about. Still, that’s a win in its own way. CARI WINS, 26-6

The Javelineers lose their minds and stomp through the stadium looking for virgins to kill, after they get crushed in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME by the Evil Entities. Once the Javs acquired fire axes, it got bloody pretty fast. But, the Evil Entities were able to stop the slaughter through the power of prayer. ETHAN WINS, 36-6