Rachel Hosts Sam in Seer Cup Rematch

The Baboons needed an extra period to pull off the road victory here in Week One! The Tichorrhines had a solid season debut, but couldn’t ultimately let down the home crowd, like getting socks for your birthday as a child. BERKENBILE WINS, 39-34

Michael crushes the home team Cutthroats to open the year on a high note. The Minotaurs were able to recover fifteen fumbles in the win, 13 of them from their own team. MICHAEL WINS, 37-12

The Labeorphiles took this one down to the wire, but they could not match the stamina of the visiting Reremice, who pull off the OT win on the road. RYAN WINS, 33-30

It was a disappointing debut for the new head coach of the Javelineers, Hall of Fame QB, Josh Von Joshershire. He gets warm welcome from the Androids in the form of a vicious beatdown. ANDREW WINS, 38-6

The Micropolitans entered the weekend with a lot of swagger, but the Evil Entities don’t believe in confidence from opposing teams, so they shut that shit down real quick. ETHAN WINS, 29-12

The Coin Tossers return to the NPL after nearly a decade, and nearly claim their first victory. Ever. This spills into OT, where Kelly had little difficulty in securing the W. KELLY WINS, 26-15

Miranda starts the season on the right track, crushing the visiting Vince Vapulaters. They also siphoned the gas from Vince’s team bus. But in this economy, who can blame them? MIRANDA WINS, 26-6

The Juggernauts cruise to an easy W over the visiting Blue Tits. Legendary kicker Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg was a perfect 7-for-7, all from outside 45 yards, in the winning effort. JOEL WINS, 29-4

Brian made the most of the overtime period, piling on 20 points before time run out, giving the impression that they were quite dominant in the game. The truth is that they both kinda sucked, but Brandon sucked when it counted most. BRIAN WINS, 35-20

The LeScavengers scrape up an opening day win, scorching the sausages like a drunk around a campfire on Memorial Day weekend. LeSCOOT WINS, 27-15

The Adam Bombs blow up the vaulted Cannibals running attack, leaving the offense in the hands of career-backup-turned-starter, Geno Chris. While competent and safe with the ball, Geno did not light up the scoreboard. ADAM WINS, 20-6

The Jaws-of-Life pried open the mangled car wreck of Victory and pulled out a bruised and bleeding W in front of the home team Jellyfish. JERRY WINS, 27-13

The BB Cannons have decided to reclaim their rightful place on the Psychic Division throne, which looks like one of those old school football kicking tees, and they start their campaign with a dominating victory over the hosting DaVena Ballerinas. BRENT WINS, 45-22

The score might indicate a blow out, but that’s really only true of the OT period, where the Abactors absolutely demoralized the Rock Lobsters with 36 points in the extra frame, turning the 24-24 tie at the end of regulation to a “What in the hell happened?” disaster for Ricky. AXELL WINS, 60-27,

The Killcows paid Kev Cthulu this off-season, a fully guaranteed 6-year, $242 million dollar contract that includes bottomless buckets of popcorn shrimp on every religious holiday. Cthulu justified the massive payday with an impressive 12-for-19, 219 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INT performance while leading the team to a respectable win. KEVIN WINS, 26-14

NPL Title Belt Match!

A rematch of the Seer Cup brings Samuel in to town in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME to avenge their overtime loss in the big game this last winter. They also have their eyes on the ever elusive NPL Title Belt, up for grabs once again in the hands of the defending belt holders in Rachel.

This one did not pour into overtime, though it did look like it was heading that way in the closing minutes of regulation. Samuel CB, Samson Ite, intercepted Cyrus Rawkell’s pass to the flat and took it 42 yards to the house for the tying score late in the 4th quarter. But Rachel bounced back, taking the ensuing kickoff the distance, then recovering a fumble on the ensuing-ensuing kickoff. Like, the kick off AFTER that one they scored. It makes sense. I think. Anyway, RACHEL WINS, 27-14