The Jellyfish Stun The Ballerinas in Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime!

The return of Josh Von Joshershire to the Javelineers sideline has not gone well for the once dominant franchise. So far, “Coach” is 0-2, the offense is stalling more than a pimple-faced teenager learning stick, and the fans have already used a season’s worth of “Buy One Beer, Get One Free” coupons at the concessions. The Baboons shut down the Javs offense and, while not exactly lighting up the scoreboard, sneak away with an ugly win. BERKENBILE WINS, 14-2

The Minotaurs and Reremice showcased their new-look defenses in this overtime match-up. The Reremice ran out their new 6-1 defense, with six down lineman. The Mintoaurs went the opposite route, with a 1-6, with one pass rusher and an exotic blitz package. They both held their opponent’s offense to just one touchdown apiece and scored a touchdown of their own. Michael’s offense, however, was willing to risk it for the game-winning 2-pt conversion in OT and that was the difference. MICHAEL WINS, 18-17

The reigning division champs, Seer Cup runners-up, were blanked by the Vince Vapulaters in this one. Vince nets a single score and a field goal in the victory, not needing many points to top the offensive output of the Sackbuts, who played like a sack of butts. VINCE WINS, 11-0

The Coin Tossers franchise is old, almost 131 years since they laced up their cleats. They typically play in the Nationale Picksliga out of Germany, but regularly are called upon by the NPL to fill in when need arises. They have never won a game in the NPL. Until this week. COIN TOSSERS WIN, 56-35

When the Jaws-of-Life sacked Cari Bous QB, Carl “Caribou” Lou in the end zone on the second play of the game, they were obviously psyched and celebrated their early dominance. Then reality sunk in. The Bous defense absolutely bullied the J-o-L, giving up just a long field goal as the only points surrendered. But for a moment, Jerry felt pretty good about themselves. CARI WINS, 36-5

The Rock Lobsters and BB Cannons were similarly plagued by offensive woes and saw themselves deadlocked at 3-3 by the end of regulation. The OT period saw some movement, finally, with Ricky finally finding the endzone to take the early lead before Brent stormed back to claim the W. BRENT WINS, 21-16

The fans really did not get their money’s worth in this one. Early predictions had both teams potentially crossing 30 points each, a high scoring affair set to dazzle the Blue Tits home crowd. None of that happened. Bette did manage a score and a 2-pt conversion late in the 2nd quarter, but other than that, it was a punt fest. BETTE WINS, 8-0

The LeScavengers pull a W-Heist and sneak away with a late win over the Braggadocios on the road. Down 8-0 with just seven minutes remaining, the LeScavengers settled for a field goal. Then they recovered a fumble and settled on another field goal. Then an interception led to a third field goal. Up 9-8, they put it away on a pick-six followed by a gutsy double-reverse flea-flicker screen pass. LeSCOOT WINS, 17-8

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Title Belt was up for grabs in this one, and much like the rest of the league suffering on offense, both Miranda and Rachel saw this spill into OT. The Martian offense, however, really came to life in the bonus period, outscoring the defending Seer Cup champion 21-0 in the extra frame. The Title Belt has officially changed hands! MIRANDA WINS, 31-10

The Evil Entities lacked punch on offense, netting only 138 yards total against the Zeros D. Despite mixing it up with a variety of gimmicks, like putting three players in one oversized jersey at center, the Evil Entities were unable to get anything going. Kelly, on the other hand, was able to find the endzone a few times. KELLY WINS, 20-0

The Androids are off to a hot start, claiming the W here against division favorite Travis. The Tichorrhines disappointed the home crowd, not by their offensive performance or struggles on defense, but because they, once again, ran out of salted pretzels. I mean… c’mon! ANDREW WINS, 20-0

The Cutthroats were sliced and diced in this one. The Labeorphiles had no issue finding the end zone, scoring five unanswered touchdowns on the road to an easy victory. Laci’s offensive performance here was enough to elevate the squad to the number one offense in the NPL in the early weeks of the season. Not too shabby. LACI WINS BIG, 37-0

The Juggernauts didn’t need much production from legendary kicker, Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, who is now a player-coach on the franchise. Not only is he the kicker, but he’s also the captain of special teams, and assistant DB coach – which is an odd choice. Jowell-Jollsberg went a perfect 7-for-7 in the dominant win over the visiting Cannibals. JOEL WINS, 29-6

The Bongos cruise to an easy victory over the guest Sausages, refusing to give an inch to the feared QB-run heavy offense. Brian’s win here puts them in a tie at the top of the division and certainly has caught the eye of defenses around the league (well, those that are scheduled to play them, anyway). BRIAN WINS, 29-0

The Axell-Kevin rivalry is renewed again here in Week 2, with Kevin entering the match-up with a 3-1 advantage. Axell, unfortunately, could not continue the momentum following their late 4th quarter touchdown, missing the extra point, and pooching the ensuing kick out of bounds. Kevin cruises to a 4-1 record in this match-up. KEVIN WINS, 19-6

It’s PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME and what a doozy we had this week! The two top teams in the Clairvoyant Conference last season in another one of their classic battles! And what a great rivalry this has been since Jennifer and DaVena were promoted to the storied NPL. They’ve clashed fourteen times in the past. They’ve both won seven times. This is the tiebreaker (for now).

Finding themselves down 14-21 in the final seconds of the 4th quarter, the Jellyfish pulled a trick play: a screen-pass throwback flea flicker hook and ladder. It went for 53 yards and set up a first and goal at the 4-yard line with just 0:08 on the clock. A quick slant for a TD set the Jellyfish up with the game-tying extra point. But Jennifer was not content with going to a bonus period. They wanted the win. And they got it, on a gutsy QB draw with no time remaining on the clock! JENNIFER WINS, 22-21