The Sackbuts Bring a Knife to a Gunfight

The Javelineers sneak away with an overtime victory on this road trip to Cutthroat Island. Reporters asked QB Joshtin Stubbert if there’s room for improvement. He replied, “Don’t treat me like some situation that needs to be handled.”

JOSH WINS, 48-41

The Labeorphiles are known for being one of the more relaxed, casual teams of the NPL who are there to have fun. So after this blowout loss, head coach Lex Laciman was overheard saying to Minotaurs defensive coordinator Mickey Mackey, “You did a number on me. But honestly, baby, who’s counting?”

MICHAEL WINS, 44-6

After a rough season that concludes in a couple weeks, reporters asked long-time defensive captain, All-Pro LB Berkenshale Bileycyrus, if he planned to re-sign now that his contract is up. He shook his head and replied, “Rip the band-aid off and skip town like an asshole outlaw.”

ANDREW WINS, 38-21

It’s no secret that the Tichorrhines have attendance issues this season given their performance. After a touchdown late in the 3rd quarter, WR Ryan Reecrest was heard shouting at some fans, “Don’t look now, I’m shining like fireworks over your sad, empty town!”

RYAN WINS, 45-21

WR Smalls McSmiley was not pleased with the performance of all three QBs that suited up for the Sackbuts in this blowout loss to the Rachel Wrecking Balls. “I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me.”

RACHEL WINS, 37-4

The Eruption were in turmoil after QB Eroll Riks went whistleblower on their head coach after he was benched for “playing outside of the system”. So, Riks went to the feds about the excessive drug use and gambling in the coaches room. “While he was doing lines and crossing all of mine, someone told his white collar crimes to the FBI.”

KELLY WINS, 37-0

When asked about his fantastical play design, schemes not seen before, offensive coordinator for the Vapulaters, Vykin Verminhood replied, “No one wanted to play with me as a little kid, so I’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since.”

VINCE WINS, 44-37

There was nothing micro about this win over the Evil Entities for the Micropolitans. They played angry and dominated on both sides of the ball. They went into post-game pressers with that anger as well. One reporter, citing numerous statistical feats in this game, was interrupted by slot corner Micky Matty Michaels: “Sorry, I can’t see facts through all my fury.”

MATT WINS, 53-22

The Bongos get a huge win over the powerhouse Bette Blue Tits at home to stay in the playoff hunt. They haven’t been able to replicate the magic of last season, but there’s still a chance at a Seer Cup on the line at 6-6, believe it or not. NSPN’s Stephen A. Smiff said, “I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why.”

BRIAN WINS, 45-23

The Juggernauts head coach, Joey Jojo Johnson, is tired of standing up for the behavior of superstar kicker, Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, who once again ghosted the team for some previous engagement. Sitting down at the post-game presser, JJJ asked, “So what am I defending now?”

LeSCOOT WINS, 27-14

QB Addley Adamson has been vocal about wanting a new contract, despite poor play as the Bombs languish in last place. RB Adam Ademma interrupted his interview to tell the young QB, “Foolish one, stop checkin’ your mailbox for confessions of love that ain’t never gonna come.”

CHRIS WINS, 35-0

The Braggadocios haven’t seen the playoffs since they rattled off three consecutive division championships, concluding in 2020. They’re in the hunt this year, thanks in part to this win over the Sausages, but they long for the sustained success they had back then. “Back then we didn’t know we were built to fall apart,” said WR Brandy Bradonious. “We broke the status quo. Then we broke each other’s hearts.”

BRANDON WINS, 46-30

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Killcows come off the top of the cage for a late overtime win over Jerry in this battle. Reporters brought up the near constant QB pressure Jerry had faced in this match-up, questioning the Jaws-of-Life choice to not to re-sign their two All-Pro offensive linemen this past off-season. Said OC Jerrard McJerskinonovitchiski, “The road not taken looks real good now.”

KEVIN WINS, 54-53

The Axell Abactors tried their best to get at the quarterback but managed zero pressures in this overtime loss to the red hot BB Cannons. When asked about Brentley McBurndleby’s quarterback play, Abactors defensive coordinator referred to him as “Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun.”

BRENT WIN, 33-32

The Jellyfish withstand a late push from the Bous to stay in the hunt. The Bous, on the other hand, are in familiar territory. Sophomore RB Carlson Carenthia said of another tough season, “I think I’ve seen this film before and I didn’t like the ending.”

JENNIFER WINS, 36-21

The Rock Lobsters escape a hard fought contest with the home DaVena Ballerinas in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME, who once again had issues moving the ball downfield. When asked about the troubles with completing passes on third downs, second downs, first downs, while warming up, while sitting at the dining room table, you name it, quarterback Dave Na was not about to throw his team under the bus and said, “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.”

RICKY WINS, 45-30