The Wild Card Round Gets Wild!

by Bernard Bagelbite

December 24, 2020

NPL Playoffs – Wild Card Round

The Javelineers visit the division rival that pulled down their banner and wiped their asses with it. The BB Cannons go on the road to remind a rookie franchise just what suffering is meant to be like as a fresh franchise in this league. The Androids’ programming confuses the slow moving human minds of the Steven Sausages. And the Cutthroats cut loose on the Evil Entities. We’ve got highlights, stats, play-by-play calls, and plenty of alcohol to drown away the end-of-season depression for those players watching at home. It’s the NPL Playoffs, 2020!

Brent
vs
Matt
Bavarian Beagle Outfitters Microdome in Mattland, ME
10:00 AM kickoff. Weather: 68 degrees, central air conditioning
QB Bart Brentleby put up a playoff best 389 yards passing, 217 of which went to speedy slot receiver, Barry B. Beesley. On one particular play, Beesley stunned the Micropolitans defense.
Bartleby Forksnatch with the play-by-play: “Beesley in motion to the far side of the field. He’s back in motion to the near side. Back in motion again, this time to the slot. And he’s in motion again, to the backfield. Three seconds on the play clock. Brentleby back to pass. He fires one down the far sideline. Wait… is that Beesley? He got him! Beesley breaks a tackle. He gets a block from Beesley? What is happening? Beesley springs free! He’s going to go 79 yards to paydirt! How in the world? Folks, it appears that three different receivers were wearing the Beesley #19 jersey on that play – a masterful stroke of genius by the BB Cannons, as that is technically not against the rules in the NPL. What a play!”
IN OT, BRENT WINS, 36-27
Game decided by the Monday Madness Tiebreaker!
Correct
Incorrect
MM Off By
Score
Brent
6
4
3
36
Brandon
6
4
12
27
Josh
vs
Ryan
Totino’s Pizza Rolls Park in Ryanchester, MN
10:00 AM kickoff. Weather: 28 degrees, occasional hail
The Javelineers had no answers for the red hot Ryan Reremice. It got so bad on offense, that rookie QB Joshtin Stubbert was pulled after an Ethan Ebow-esque 9-for-23 start for 139 yards and three interceptions. JDIII came in off the bench and didn’t fair any better. The Reremice defense was eating the offensive lineman alive – and cannibalism is technically a penalty – to the tune of six sacks, eight tackles for loss, and three injured fullbacks (the bread and butter of the Javs offense).
Fran Ryanton, future HOF QB for the Reremice, also torched the Javs defense on the other side of the ball. Amassing an impressive 339 yards passing in just the first half alone, the Reremice curbstomped their way to a 31-3 lead. One particularly impressive play saw Ryanton connecting with the imposing TE, Ry Ryan-Rybo, who went up for a contested ball, shook off the DB, broke four tackles on his way to a 57 yard touchdown. Hall of Fame announcer Bo Buck with the call: “Ryanton. Passing. Caught. Touchdown! No flags!” A wordsmith, through and through, is Mr. Buck.
RYAN WINS, 44-14
Correct
Incorrect
MM Off By
Score
Josh
5
5
1
14
Ryan
8
2
2
44
Andrew
vs
Steven
Jimmy Dean Sizzling Center of Sports in Steveland, OH
1:00 PM kickoff. Weather: 38 degrees, clear skies
Upgraded to the latest firmware several weeks ago, QB AE-19299-R was precise passing, elusive in the backfield, and far less likely to rebel and murder his human overlords on the sidelines. These factors combined for a career-best for the Androids playcaller. The droid connected on 11 of his first 13 passes, netting 212 yards at halftime for a 21-9 lead.
The Sausages, however, rallied behind the stellar running of halfback Stevey Steves. Steves broke three huge touchdown runs, and five defensive droids in the process, at distances of 38, 52, and 64 yards to give the Sausages the lead going into the final five minutes of the 4th quarter, 31-30.
But, following a 58-yard rushing touchdown by QB AE-19299-R, it was cornerback AE-29874-C that came up with the game sealing pick-six. Tex McWhitey with the call: “Our boy Steven Stevenson will lead us over these abominations. He’ll line up in shotgun formation, because guns and God are all that matter here in Steveland, OH. He’s back to pass. Fires one up the right sideline and that is gonna be intercepted by the heathen robot whose name isn’t even worth saying. Not like you can pronounce it anyway. Touchdown, sinners. They pull up 42-31 with an extra point to go. And would you look at that? 6.66 seconds left on the clock. I warned you, people.”
ANDREW WINS, 43-31

Correct
Incorrect
MM Off By
Score
Andrew
8
2
11
43
Steven
7
3
14
31
Ethan
vs
Corey
Cutthroat Island in New Coreyland, MA
5:00 PM kickoff. Weather: 43 degrees, plastic beer bottles in forecast
Etua Ethovailoa got the start at QB for the Evil Entities and started strong, giving the away team a little thing called hope. But, despited a 15-0 halftime lead, the Evil Entities could not hold it together in the second half. Like an automated pastry maker, Ethovailoa became a turnover machine, tossing four interceptions, losing three fumbles, and he got poked in the ear, which kinda hurts.
Corey Candlestickmaker, All-Pro WR, was the primary target of QB Corbin Cornerstone, hauling in 11 catches for 138 yards and 3 TDs, all in the second half, as the Cutthroats sliced their way through the Evil Entities defense. The Cutthroats put up 35 unanswered points to pull to a 35-15 lead with only three minutes to go.
Ethan Ebow did manage to make it a little closer, with one of the more unusual plays in NPL history. Ashley Yelsha with the play-by-play: “Ebow back to pass. Fires one over the middle and that is intercepted! Linebacker Chris McCordy with it up the near sideline! Here comes wideout Ethan Edelman from behind. He strips it! The ball is loose! It’s scooped up by Ed Ethansmith, he’s heading back in the right direction! Whoa! What a hit! Ethansmith lost the ball! He’s down and not moving! The ball is pulled in by Ebow and he’s got room to run! To the 30! 20! 10! Touchdown, Double-E’s! In baseball, that would be a 9-2-6-3-5-8 doubleplay. But I’m going to need some double-ply, because I just shit myself watching that circus! Entities close the gap, 35-21, extra point on the way!”
COREY WINS, 35-22
Correct
Incorrect
MM Off By
Score
Ethan
6
4
11
22
Corey
7
3
6
35
The Ryan Reremice (9-5, 64.29%) advance to face the Brandon Braggadocios (10-4, 66.43%)
The Brent BB Cannons (10-4, 61.43%) will take on the defending Seer Cup Champions, the Jerry Jaws-of-Life (12-2, 65.71%)
The Corey Cutthroats (8-6, 59.29%) move on and will meet up with the Miranda Martians (9-5, 62.14%)
The Andrew Androids (8-6, 56.80%) will look to defeat the powerhouse Kevin Killcows (12-2, 63.57%)
Post Season Schedule and Results

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