Josh Tops Berkenbile for NPL Title Belt!

While the final score suggests otherwise, this was actually a close scoring game until the final three minutes. Then the scoreboard operator returned from his 15 minute break and updated the numbers. After that, Lauren was up by two scores. LAUREN WINS, 28-15

Michael got comfortable with the 24-0 lead entering halftime, but it was all Purple and Gold from there. The Reremice continue their revenge tour, collecting a Minotaur head en route to 2-0. RYAN WINS, 38-24

The Martians do some fine probin’ of the Ethan Evil Entities here in week two. Ethan kept it close for a while, but a garbage time touchdown by Ethan Ebow makes the score look closer than the game ever was. MIRANDA WINS, 36-24

Ricky and Jason lulled the JeStErS home crowd to sleep with this snore-fest. This had less substance than a Def Comedy Jam where they’re not allowed to say the N-word. Ricky eventually found a way into the endzone for the win. RICKY WINS, 8-0

Adam dropped some bombs on the LeScavengers secondary, notching a league-high 663 yards of offense, en route to 2-0 on the year. First downs were few and far between for the LeScavengers, like rest stops when you’ve eaten too much dairy before a road trip. ADAM WINS, 38-22

The Cari Bous sure aren’t playing like the Psychic Division Champion banner might suggest they should. Like neon-colored, mismatched clothing on the popular kid, the Braggadocios make a statement. BRANDON WINS, 27-0

Did Jerry find a way to win or did Brent find a way to lose? Down by 6 with no time left, the Jaws-of-Life Hail Mary had no right finding its way into the hands of rookie tight end Jermaine Jupri. Multiple attempts to intercept the repeatedly tipped pass by the BB Cannons kept the ball alive, as well as the hopes of the Jaws-of-Life. JERRY WINS, 33-32

The Cannibals collide with the Cutthroats in a calculated clash of choreographed chaos. Corey can’t keep up as Chris calmy crushes the Cutthroats. CHRIS WINS, 18-0

The Sausages sizzle here, as the Jellyfish just don’t have enough sting on defense to keep the visiting team in check. The shovel-pass heavy offense of Jennifer struggled to move the ball and the Sausages cruised to a two-score win. STEVEN WINS, 36-21

DaVena improves to 2-0 with a big win over the Juggernauts on the road. Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg knocks in five 50+ yard field goals, but the struggling offense couldn’t get much closer than the 35 yard line after the start of the 4th quarter. DAVENA WINS, 38-22

The Killcows pulled the starters at the end of the third quarter, up 26-3. The reserves struggled from that point on, losing the 4th quarter 10-3. So in a way, Rachel had a 1/4 of a victory here. Update the standings! KEVIN WINS, 29-13

The Zeros put a zero on Travis, stomping the new-look Hairy Rhinos 26-0 in easy fashion. The pundits didn’t give Kelly much of a shot here, which goes to show you that the analysts really just use the same talking points from 5 seasons ago and hope that no one notices. KELLY WINS, 26-0

The Androids systematically disassembled the home team Labeorphiles with singular precision, floating points up to the scoreboard. They compiled a strong ground attack, thanks to a commanding line. ANDREW WINS, 29-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

The reining Title Belt champs can’t hold on to the hardware, as the Javelineers demolished the Baboons on Josh Von Joshershire Jersey Retirement Night. Number 7 will never be warn for the Javelineers again, and based on this offensive showing, the number seven might never appear on the scoreboard for Berkenbile this season. JOSH WINS, 37-4