Some Teams Score More Points Than Their Opponents!

The Javs didn’t want this loss. I mean, they don’t really want any loss, but sometimes you have to accept that your offense is dogshit on a particular afternoon. The Minotaurs drank a bunch of extra water today to piss on the Javelineers parade. MICHAEL WINS, 47-23

Nothing better in a tight playoff race than not showing up against a team that is fighting for a Division Championship or a Wild Card. The Reremice get an early Xmas present from the visiting Baboons: a gift-wrapped W. Because they needed the help? RYAN WINS, 37-0

The Lychnobites collect another win here, but it likely won’t be enough to sneak in to the post-season, unless every other team in the conference also loses – which I think is an impossibility. LAUREN WINS, 19-5

The Micropolitans were the top offense of the week, which is easy when your opponents send holograms instead of actual players. Since hard light technology hasn’t been perfected yet, the Vapulaters were unable to make any tackles, snap any footballs, or assault referees. MATT WINS, 56-0

Jerry can probably afford to take a few weeks off and just let Cari snag a win or two to stay above the “Rock Lobsters Line”. But, Jaws-of-Life are world-famous d-bags, so they of course went try-hard on this one. JERRY WINS, 36-12

The Adam Bombs best weapon is giving their opponents hope. They did that here, allowing the LeScavengers to feel like they have a shot at the playoffs. Adam, of course, knows LeScoot doesn’t have a chance, but the psychological effects should help with next season’s match-ups. LeSCOOT WINS, 20-5

Bette continues to put up good numbers, but just can’t topple the Division Champion Brandon Braggadocios. They raise the banner, snicker at their division rivals, and flip the bird to everyone in line of sight. BRANDON WINS, 55-30

Miranda gets a gift from Kelly, who liked their week off so much last week, they decided to extend their vacation. The NPL league office has requested that vacations happen in the off-season from now on. MIRANDA WINS, 47-0

Ethan gets blue balls from Rachel! Trying to secure the division early so they can have a mental break before the physical and emotional breakdown that occurs in the NPL playoffs, the Evil Entities were unable to topple their division rival here. RACHEL WINS, 39-34

Travis again has an off-day at the office, only tallying 227 yards of offense while allowing 482 yards on defense. I’m no coach, but you’d generally prefer to have those numbers swapped. 722 yards of offense and 284 yards on defense. That’s better. COREY WINS, 26-14

The Androids programmed and compiled about 19 new trick plays that are technically illegal but too confusing for our replacement refs while the regular refs are in Cancun for a seminar on Sexual Player Harassment. Didn’t matter, because Laci didn’t want to play anyway. ANDREW WINS, 44-0

The Cannibals are sick and goddamn tired of this season, so they only sent 32 players to Steveland, OH for this match-up. Trouble is that 28 of those players were defense or special teams. The Sausages sizzled to an easy W. That’s the 100th time I’ve made the “Sausages sizzle” joke, so a banner and confetti just fell from my ceiling. Cool! STEVEN WINS, 37-12

The Juggernauts and Bongos are right in the thick of things with the Sausages, vying for that Division Championship banner. The Bongos were able to neutralize Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg by breaking his ankle during the coin toss. But, the Juggs offense rallied for their fallen brother and took it to the bonus period. In OT, BRIAN WINS, 59-58

The Jellyfish are rallying for a Wild Card spot and steal a W from the Abactors – who have really turned it around in the last few weeks. Jennifer rides the WR-screen-option-pass offense to a crucial late season win. JENNIFER WINS, 38-23

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Killcows will not be stopped! Not until the second round of the playoffs, which is as far as they’ve ever made it. They dominate the visiting DaVena Ballerinas, collecting the NPL Title Belt in the process, which can be used as a weapon, per league rules. KEVIN WINS, 44-24

Ricky has played well this season, hanging in with the best of the best, but pretty much losing those games. But they kept the score close-ish, which is encouraging. Brent visited the Rock Lobsters here in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME, winning their sixth contest in seven games. Can they snatch the Division Championship from the Jaws-of-Life? Tune in next week (or just check standings now) to find out! BRENT WINS, 45-33