The Vapulaters Fail to Show Up in Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime!

One of the most competitive divisions in the league is the Prophet Division in the Soothsayer Conference, with all four teams putting up nearly identical offensive and defensive numbers. With JDIII out for a series of failed COVID and IQ tests, the Javelineers turned to rookie draft pick, Joshtin Stubbert at QB. He did poorly. MICHAEL WINS, 26-15

The Abactors are having a hell of a time getting acclimated to the extremely violent and politically polarizing football league that is the NPL. Following a great opening week performance, they drop their 5th straight here to Jennifer. In overtime, JENNIFER WINS, 37-22

The hottest offense in the NPL needed overtime in this one to keep the Lychnobites from playing spoiler. If the JeStErS can figure out defense, the rest of the Soothsayer Conference, and perhaps the entire NPL, will need to come up with a way to stop them. JASON WINS, 38-37

The Baboons continue their yo-yo trend in the win-loss columns, predictably taking a win here. This sets their six week performance as L-W-L-W-L-W. The Reremice understood coming in that the powers-that-be had predetermined this game as a loss for them, to keep Berkenbile’s pattern intact, so they sent their practice squad to play in place of the starters. BERKENBILE WINS, 17-5

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Bous didn’t seem too keen on facing the Jaws of Life this week, and that translated to the field where each Bous player wore dark tinted helmet visors and refused to make contact with opposing players. Contact is, of course, kinda required for a defense. Jerry made quick and easy work of this one. JERRY WINS, 35-0

This was a big game for the Rock Lobsters, who trailed the BB Cannons by one game in the standings. With this win, the Rock Lobsters surpass their total wins (3) for the year from 2019 and have their best offense since their 2017 team that finished 8-6. Could Ricky return to the playoffs for just the fourth time in franchise history? RICKY WINS, 38-14

There may not be a more frustrated team in the NPL than the LeScavengers. They drop another overtime game, their third loss in OT this season, to fall to 2-4 on the year, despite being one of the better offenses in the league. Fate would have it that it’s the hapless Adam Bombs that get the W here, moving both teams into a tie for last in the division. ADAM WINS, 23-16

Unfortunately for the Blue Tits, there was no stopping the Braggadocios this week. Brandon remains undefeated following their best offensive performance of the year, putting the critics to bed with their “they’re a mediocre team with lucky wins” talk. BRANDON WINS, 56-22

The Martians needed a bounce back win after dropping a disappointing contest to the Michael Minotaurs. Thankfully for Miranda, the stone cold Kelly Zeros were on the schedule next. Both teams clawed through regulation in a 24-24 tie before the Martians finally decided to turn it on in the bonus period. MIRANDA WINS, 48-27

This rivalry is known for the aggressive fans unleashing wonton destruction in the opponent’s home town. You read that right. The teams target the Chinese food restaurants of their rivals, and spray paint French Cholos that say, “Chow Mein!” It’s weird. ETHAN WINS, 55-24

With both teams coming in at a 3-2 record for the year, the winner here gets to claim top spot in the division. And while the Tichorrhines have been riding an anemic offense to that record, averaging just 8 points a game, that’s just not going to do it every week. COREY WINS, 17-5

The Androids optimized some receiver targeting algorithms during the week, which greatly increased the passing accuracy of their brand new Throw Bots. Unfortunately, the algorithms placed precedence over the “most open” targets, which resulted in a metric fuckton of swing passes to the Run Bots coming out of the backfield. It worked, though. ANDREW WINS, 20-0

The Sausages sizzled the Cannibals in this one, scoring all 33 points in the game. Both safeties claimed by the Cannibals were the result of hilariously bad snaps out of the endzone on punts deep in the Sausages’ own territory. Chris is thankful, as that helps them in the point differential category while they figure out what just went wrong with their offense. STEVEN WINS, 29-4

The Juggernauts continue to correct course on this season, following a nice win last week over the Vapulaters. Joel Michael-Jowell Jollsberg was solid, a respectable 8-for-9 on field goals on the day, and even added a rushing touchdown after a botched snap on what would have been his 7th attempt. JOEL WINS, 32-17

The Killcows rebound in a big way following their upset loss to the then 0-4 Adam Bombs. Marching into DaVena’s home turf, the Killcows put their foot on the gas and never let up. In fact, they even reversed and drove over the lifeless corpses of the Ballerinas a few times for good measure. KEVIN WINS, 44-0

The Vince Vapulaters forget that their game was scheduled for Monday night in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME! Determined to not be let down by their team, the Vapulaters crowd stormed the home locker room and suited up in their gear. It’s a good thing the Vapulaters front office forced all of those fans to sign waivers, because it was a freakin’ bloodbath. MATT WINS, 38-0