The Rachel Wrecking Balls Claim Their Third Division Championship in Five Years!

What a clutch win for the Ryan Reremice in Week 13! Two games back of the Minotaurs for the division lead with two games to go, and their offense based entirely around fake field goals was an incredible success. One game back, still in the hunt, RYAN WINS, 35-17

The Baboons have the worst offense in the division, but somehow find themselves tied for first in the division after defeating the struggling Josh Javelineers in OT. It’s Berkenbile with the win, and they’ll face the Minotaurs for the division crown in Week 14! BERKENBILE WINS, 43-36

With both teams losing their kicker in overtime’s experimental “kick off”, which is like hockey’s faceoff, but with kickers trying to boot it to their own team, the scoring was stalled in overtime. Eventually, the Vapulaters took a 28-21 lead in overtime, but it was the Matt Micropolitans that got the last score, and last laugh, going for two for the win. It paid off! Matt secures a post-season berth and pulls a one-game lead for the division heading into the final week. MATT WINS, 29-28

While Samuel has been playing well these last few weeks, what they really needed was a break. Thankfully, they run into the ice cold Jason JeStErs, losers of their last four. They make easy work of this one and put themselves in a good position for a Wild Card at minimum. SAMUEL WINS, 38-6

The Rock Lobsters losing streak has some terrible timing. They drop their third straight, this one to the BB Cannons, to fall to 7-6. There’s still hope for Tha Lobstas to sneak into the postseason. Unable to topple Brent here, they’ll be rooting for Jerry to take them down next week. BRENT WINS, 47-42

Brandon crushes the Adam Bombs in this one, running into very little resistance from the Bombs’ defense. Both teams coming in at 5-7 were playing for bragging rights in this one, so it’s only fitting that the W goes to the Braggadocios. BRANDON WINS, 45-13

The Blue Tits were the first team to secure a division banner this season, are a lock for the playoffs, and still feel the need to collect W’s. They’re winners of six straight now, have the best record in the NPL heading into the final week, and are the #2 ranked offense. What a year! In OT, BETTE WINS, 56-49

Despite their key players missing a good chunk of the season, the Kelly Zeros are still playoff hopefuls. That says less about Kelly and more about the sad state of the Clairvoyant Conference, which can potentially send three teams to the postseason with .500 records. Wack. KELLY WINS, 38-15

The Wrecking Balls silence the hostile media and snarky grocery checkout clerks with a win, bringing their four-game losing streak to an end. Better yet, they smackdown the Evil Entities to do it, which means they are the Augur Division champions for 2021! RACHEL WINS, 38-12

While Travis has easily the best offense in the Auspex Division, that same offense gets completely demolished by the Corey Cutthroats in this game, managing just a single field goal in a catastrophic loss. But, strangely, their season is not over. A win for Travis and Andrew next week will keep all four teams in it until the final regular season whistle, which is nuts. COREY WINS, 26-3

The Labeorphiles played like absolute ass, but the timing is perfect because the Androids’ programming was not compiled completely and they failed to show up for most of the game. Following the L, the Androids are the longest of shots to secure the division title, but technically still alive. LACI WINS, 34-3

Chris and Steven came into this one with no real hope of making the playoffs, and decided to try a number of trick plays when they took their turn on offense: the Steveland Steamer, the Obese Cannibal, the Bartlett, the Snack Dome, and many others. The most exciting, however, was the perfectly executed Doonesbury Dive that took the lead in OT for the Sausages. STEVEN WINS, 40-37

As far as clutch wins go, this one has to be right up there. Facing elimination (but not really, I mean, look at this disaster of a conference), the Bongos hold off the Juggernauts attack to close the gap in the Oracle Division. The Oracle Division banner may be decided by whichever team is better at playing spoiler: Chris or Steven. BRIAN WINS, 35-23

The Killcows had a rough, 2-5 start to the season and never really recovered. It doesn’t help that they play four games against two of the best teams in the NPL this year, Jennifer and DaVena. They lose this one to the latter despite a solid offensive performance. DAVENA WINS, 45-21

While technically still alive in the Wild Card race, the Axell Abactors definitely have at least one thing left to play for: the post-season pizza party their coaches promised if they “finish strong”. No better way to do that than take down the #1 team in the NPL, right? They take this one to overtime and don’t look back. AXELL WINS, 51-40

NPL Title Belt Match!

After starting 3-0, the Cari Bous woes started after falling to Jerry in Week 4. They got to renew that rivalry here in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME and chase the NPL Title Belt while they’re at it! But, the defending Psychic Division champions, the Jaws-of-Life, are hungry for a repeat. They absolutely clamp’em in the blowout win in front of the largest television audience in NPL history, thanks to carefully planned out terrorist attacks by NPL die hards, which targeted television broadcasts that were not the NPL Prime Time game. Thanks, terrorists! JERRY WINS, 44-6