The Cannibals Stun the Minotaurs on the Road!

After dropping four of their last five, the Steven Sausages were desperate to get back to winning, so they employed a strategy unheard of in the NPL before: paying off the game clock operator. With seemingly endless time to scheme between plays and never having to worry about timeouts, the Sausages cruised to an easy win and a Supreme Court case. STEVEN WINS, 38-15

The Javs were able to overcome a horrendously officiated game in which the referees seemed to want to control the outcome. In one instance, the head official tripped a Javs defensive lineman and flagged him for taunting, then cuffed him, broke his wrist, and flagged him again for resisting a penalty. It was an ugly one. In OT, JOSH WINS, 50-41

The Baboons see the writing on the wall: lowest scoring offense in the Prophet Division, two games out of first, other teams rising like a fart in a hot tub. They neutralized the biggest Juggernauts scoring threat, Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, with a laxative-laced cupcake decorated to look like a little football. He was 4-for-4 before he shit himself in the third quarter. BERKENBILE WINS, 28-12

Like a virgin with social anxiety hanging out in a sex dungeon, the Cannibals have been anything but dominant. They’ve dropped four in a row heading into this match-up with the Minotaurs, who have emerged as one of the top teams in the conference. They come away with the upset victory here. CHRIS WINS, 35-23

The Micropolitans started off hot, winning six of their first seven contests of the year. They may have had this one circled on their calendar, hosting a team that has the opposite problem: the Killcows lost five of their first seven games. But, like wearing your best outfit for a date with a blind person, it doesn’t really matter. Kevin controlled this game like a helicopter parent and got the W. KEVIN WINS, 19-6

NPL Title Belt Match!

Leave it up to the JeStErS to break the NPL Title Belt Curse. Had they followed the established pattern, they should have won this game at home. Instead, they were trampled to death like they were at a Travis Scott show. Like a blonde working quality control at the M&M factory, the Jellyfish keep pulling in W’s. JENNIFER WINS, 29-0

The Abactors have played well their past few weeks, with their best offensive performances coming in weeks seven and eight. They have another solid game here, but struggled to get the ball in the end zone, fumbling around like idiots, like literally everyone trying to plug in a USB device. The Sackbuts halt their two-game skid with the victory here. SAMUEL WINS, 27-14

In any other division, the Ballerinas would be dominating. But they can’t quite escape the shadow of the Jellyfish. They get an ugly shutout victory over the Vapulaters here, thanks in part to the muddy conditions following the local monster truck rally. DAVENA WINS, 18-0

Just as they took the field to attempt a 63-yard game winning field goal, the Cutthroats head coach was notified that the team bus was parked illegally and would be towed in the next few minutes. The mad scramble to take care of that oversight distracted the players as the Braggadocios replaced the kicking ball with one that was filled with confetti. BRANDON WINS, 37-36

The Blue Tits tried something completely different here. They painted a tunnel on a concrete wall that looked like it lead to the visiting locker room. The Androids were so confused by this obvious path not letting them through that they never actually made it to the field. BETTE WINS, 37-0

The struggles continue for the Tichorrhines. They have another fine showing on offense, but like a grade schooler playing Scrabble against their parents, they’re being completely dominated on the scoreboard. The Adam Bombs pile it on in the winning effort. ADAM WINS, 45-22

The Martians had dropped four straight heading into this contest, so the Jaws-of-Life were like a lion that smelled blood in the savannah. I’m sure there’s a better way to say that, but you get what I mean. The visiting Martians were definitely not seeking peace here. They dominate the barely-showed-up-in-time J-o-L. MIRANDA WINS, 29-0

The BB Cannons continue their odd trend of sending french dip sandwiches to the visiting locker room at half time. No one is entirely sure why, but many speculate it’s so the Brent players can say things like, “Au, Jus dropped that pass!” and “Au, Jus fumbled and we recovered.” It’s a weird set up, but it seems to have paid off again. BRENT WINS, 29-15

I don’t want to be the one to tell you what place the Rock Lobsters are in after they sneak away with an overtime victory over one of the best teams in the NPL, but it rhymes with “worst”. Their four game winning streak has suddenly made the top of the Psychic Division very interesting. RICKY WINS, 41-26

Neither Kelly nor Cari submitted their picks. Per NPL Rule 3-C, Subsection 2, KELLY WINS, 3-0

The LeScavengers have been competitive in the Foreteller Division, but can’t string together any wins. They host the visiting Laci Labeorphiles in this PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME match-up and kept it nice and close to satisfy the NPL’s many gambling partners in Vegas, Atlantic City, and on struggling reservations across the United States. The win by LeScoot here locked in Laci’s Auspex Division as the only division to have four losers this week. LeSCOOT WINS, 29-15