Negative, One Direction is Not Playing Seer Cup Halftime Show

One thing about the Berkenbile no show: it was well timed for the Javelineers. That may strike some as “fishy”, but Head Coach Josh Von Joshershire said the Baboons bus had working brakes last he checked.

JOSH WINS, 29-0

Two rivals clash in a crucial late season match-up. The Reremice needed a victory here to stay alive, but the Minotaurs were not about to roll over. Have you seen a Minotaur even display its stomach? It’s an aggressive and prideful species, that would never happen.

MICHAEL WINS, 27-12

Three minutes into the first quarter, it became apparent that the Vapulaters would not be showing up to their own stadium for this one following their embarrassing Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime blowout loss to Matt last week.

SAMUEL WINS, 36-0

Four touchdowns highlighted the overtime period on this one, as the Micropolitans needed as much help as they could get to topple the bipolar Coin Tossers. It was a well fought, narrow victory for the division leader.

MATT WINS, 49-40

Five yards of offense is all the Cari Bous could muster in the first half of this blowout loss. Thanks to 11 sacks, 8 false start penalties, and a record three farts-gone-wrong, the offense couldn’t get anything going. Jerry cruises to the W.

JERRY WINS, 28-4

Six years ago, RB Rhino Mean ran for 273 yards over the BB Cannons defense and the Brent boys never forgot it. In the time since, they’ve drugged, abducted, harassed, and tortured Rhino Mean in a series of fun and mostly illegal pranks. He has yet to match that productivity facing his rival and for good reason.

BRENT WINS, 45-14

Seven seconds left in the overtime period and the Adam Bombs pull of a miracle for the win. Down 38-32, they Bomb it (get it?) 54 yards, apparently out of the back of the Blue Tits end zone. But, WR Aldan Adamsmith used his 41″ vertical to leap and snag the pass, tossing it back toward the goalline before landing out of bounds. Waiting there was his teammate TE Armani Dama for the tying score!

ADAM WINS, 39-38

Eight fans were arrested after joining the two teams at midfield for a brawl that broke out after a shoving match that broke out after a shouting match. All these matches, no wonder things got hot. (That’s a brilliant joke).

LeSCOOT WINS, 27-15

Nine rings went to the race of men, who above all else desire power. Clearly , the Wrecking Balls have claimed all of that power of the Martians, as they didn’t even bother to show up to their own stadium for today’s game.

RACHEL WINS, 44-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

Ten players showed up for the Kelly Zeros to defend the NPL Title Belt, but they were so dissatisfied with the state of their organization that they all opted out of their contracts and joined the Evil Entities practice squad.

ETHAN WINS, 26-0

Eleven critical errors appeared in the debug log when troubleshooting the Androids code. They were unable to compile in time for this match-up, gifting the Labeorphiles a valuable win in the final weeks of the season.

LACI WINS, 19-0

“Twelve men on the field, defense” was the penalty of the game on this one, as the Cannibals tried all the tricks in the book to try to spoil the Juggernauts stellar season. Holding, tripping, horse collar tackle, and illegal hands to the face were also very popular for the Chris defense.

JOEL WINS, 42-37

Thirteen starters for the Sausages were bedridden with fluids coming out of five of their nine holes, thanks to a questionable nacho platter served to the team at Antonsen’s Surf & Burp. The rest of the team just didn’t even bother to show.

BRIAN WINS, 45-0

Fourteen yards per play were averaged by the Jennifer Jellyfish when using the Jet Sweep – though they call it “the Jen Sweep” at practice – which was the centerpiece of their offense in this upset victory over the Killcows.

JENNIFER WINS, 28-5

Fifteen yards for an uppercut to the genitals doesn’t seem like it’s enough, especially to those of us that have taken a shot to the crotch recently. The Ballerinas employed the use of the uppercut-to-the-genitals move throughout the first half, and spoiled the Abactor’s chances to catch up with the division leading Killcows.

DAVENA WINS, 26-6

Sixteenth match-up of the week pulls out all the stops with celebrity guests, players-turned-broadcasters opening their mouths and demonstrating how serious head trauma impacts the ability to speak eloquently, laughably bad 3D animations, and a play-by-play announcer that stopped giving a fuck twenty years ago. It’s PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME, baby!

The Cutthroats claim their second straight win, giving themselves a one-game cushion over the Labeorphiles heading into the final week of the NPL season.

COREY WINS, 26-6