The Bongos Can’t Find the Rhythm So Far This Season!

The Javelineers continue their tradition of being hot out of the gate, like a runway model leaving the airport. They outlast the Baboons in this one.

JOSH WINS, 35-23

The Minotaurs dominate the Time of Possession stat in this one, with nearly double the plays of the home team Reremice. In a likely unrelated note, they also set a team record for turnovers with eleven.

RYAN WINS, 29-0

The new guys, the Eruption, kick a little ash in this one (that’s a volcano joke), taking down their division rivals with the shutout.

ERIK WINS, 19-0

The Samuel Sackbuts hit all the right notes in overtime, shutting out the home Vapulaters in the bonus period. The Vapulaters offense, in comparison, just couldn’t carry a tune.

SAMUEL WINS, 27-16

With chants of “Fuck Jerry!” ringing out between plays, this division rivalry reached a new property damage record with over $53.9 million dollars in damage thanks to Ricky fans celebrating this absolute blowout.

RICKY WINS, 37-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

The BB Cannons didn’t need to play particularly well to hang on to the NPL Title Belt in this match. They took to the top rope a few times in the shutout victory, which is to say they passed the ball really well.

BRENT WINS, 19-0

The Blue Tits weren’t worried about an explosive offense with the Adam Bombs in this match-up. The home team was without Adam Ademma, the all-pro future Hall of Fame runningback, who missed the game because the water park opened a new slide.

BETTE WINS, 44-6

Brandon gets a big victory over a division rival, thanks to a change in strategy for the LeScavengers. The visitors went for it on 4th down, to the tune of 1-for-13, because some numbers nerd in their front office said it was good strategy. Nerds.

BRANDON WINS, 26-6

The Zeroes defense dished out a zero to the visiting Evil Entities offense here, confusing the opponents by wearing those light up rave gloves and slipping ecstasy into their water bottles. Ethan lost, but they had a GREAT time.

KELLY WINS, 18-0

The Martians played well, for the most part, but couldn’t hang with the visiting Rachel Wrecking Balls, scoring at ease like an overly competitive father playing driveway basketball with their child.

RACHEL WINS, 36-22

The Cutthroats would like a do-over to the start of the season. They fall to 0-2 after getting shutout by the Androids in the sloppiest game of the season, in terms of drunk, nude fans storming the field.

ANDREW WINS, 11-0

The Cannibals take a bite out of their division rival here, tasting sweet victory. The defending conference champion Bongos find themselves at 0-2 to kick off the 2023 campaign.

CHRIS WINS, 29-13

Legendary kicker Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg had to miss this one due to a scheduling conflict with his babysitter, who was starting at linebacker for the Steven Sausages. Y’know, writing that out, I’m starting to suspect this was just shenanigans from the home team.

STEVEN WINS, 36-13

DaVena had no trouble handling the visiting Killcows in this blowout victory. The home team game planned around the visiting team’s primary weakness: not having functional knee caps. Those legs were being bent at unnatural angles, just like the L they received.

DAVENA WINS, 37-6

Heartbreaker for the Jellyfish in this division match-up. The home team lost a large lead in regulation, found themselves down two scores in overtime, and scored the potential game-tying touchdown with 0:09 left on the clock. Axell, in an act of desperation, moved the goal posts eighteen inches to the left, which was enough for Jim Jenniboot to narrowly miss the tying extra point kick.

AXELL WINS, 38-37

The Tichorrhines-Labeorphiles rivalry gets another instant classic in this PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME overtime slugfest. That’s a lot of buzz words, which is fitting, because both teams have a rule that the players take shots before kickoff to get a good buzz going. Helps with pain, or something.

The Labeorphiles best the home team in overtime here, which is possibly due to their team running out of alcohol by the end of the 3rd quarter.

LACI WINS, 25-20