Love Is Like a Fart: If You Have to Force It, It’s Probably Crap

It was a rough day for QB Joshtin Stubbert. Pressured on sixty percent of dropbacks, sacked five times, and in the concussion protocol throughout the day, Stubbert had this to say about his performance: “When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real.”

MICHAEL WINS, 17-0

After this big victory over the Baboons, Reremice head coach Riley Ruhroh entered the press room in high spirits. When asked about the missed opportunities to really put this one away, coach responded “Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.”

RYAN WINS, 38-14

Asked after the game why the defense didn’t adjust to the RPO offense of the Eruption, and how they couldn’t diagnose and remedy their bleeding defense, Vince defensive coordinator, Vinny Van Gogh said, “There are gaps in my knowledge. This is hardly news.”

ERIK WINS, 29-5

Down 13-10 in the overtime period and facing a 4th & 18 with four minutes left in the game and one timeout remaining, many questioned the call by the Jaws-of-Life head coach, Jerald Jerrimiah. “I’m not the smartest man in the world, but I can always look back on my life and say I went for it.”

RICKY WINS, 13-10

The Bous ended their losing streak two weeks prior to this match-up, but have now dropped their second straight to fall to 1-8 on the season. Asked about mental state of the team amidst such a rough patch, Coach Carl said, “I hate to sound like every woman ever, but I’m depressed.”

BRENT WINS, 38-23

Asked what plans he has for coaching changes or personnel changes to correct course after this four game losing streak, GM Adley Adamson turned to the coaching staff and said, “Let’s go drink until we can’t feel feelings anymore.”

BETTE WINS, 44-32

The Braggadocios couldn’t get much going in this one. When asked about their confusing “runs only to the left side” offense and why they didn’t try passing, OC Brandorious Brandleman replied, “Now I may be an idiot, but there’s one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.”

LeSCOOT WINS, 35-0

After the county lines were redrawn, the Evil Entities stadium found itself in the neighboring dry county, meaning no beer sales at the stadium. Said one fan, who relied on beer to enjoy Evil Entities games this season, “Sitting here sober is more boring than watching a pot boil.”

KELLY WINS, 47-22

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Wrecking Balls promptly give up the NPL Title Belt, getting crushed at home by the visiting Martians. During the post game press conference, a reporter had a laundry list of suggestions to get the team back to the top. Defensive coordinator, Chunk Ratchet, interrupted with “What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? ‘Cause, that’s what soap is for.”

MIRANDA WINS, 38-15

After this big road victory over the Corey Cutthroats, the Androids find themselves at the top of their division at 8-1. Now that the AI-driven machines are starting understand more and more, reporters asked for their opinions on their human makers. “I guess we’ve learned that no matter who you are or where you come from, life is a terrible thing.”

ANDREW WINS, 47-30

The Tichorrhines get swept by their biggest rival, the Laci Labeorphiles. When a reporter asked if they had one wish for this season, referring to the recent four game slide, head coach Tray Vissly said, “I wish I was Beyonce.”

LACI WINS, 37-24

When 41 of the 53 man roster admitted to heavy locker room drinking during wins, the press obviously had some questions for the Cannibals. Said offensive lineman, Chazz Dastardly, “Don’t you understand what drinking means to us workin’ stiffs? It helps us forget about our day and tell our children we love them with a straight face.”

CHRIS WINS, 36-24

The Juggernauts didn’t need JMJJ for this one, as the offense looked to be at ease against the visiting Sausages defense. When asked by a reporter why the Hall of Fame kicker had to miss the game, special teams coach Jumbo Joe McJansport said he received one text from Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg that read “The only way to settle a family dispute is in the cage.”

JOEL WINS, 44-33

The press hounded head coach Kevinski Kevinoski about being too comeptitive and running up the score in this divisional match-up, when the game was well out of reach late. Kevinoski said, “I can be just as non-competitive as anybody. Matter of fact, I’m the most non-competitive. So, I win.”

KEVIN WINS, 46-15

Concerned about public backlash, and social media going crazy over the Abactors hot start followed by this three game losing streak, head coach Axe Danger said, “What? Gosh, it’s not like the internet to go crazy about something small and stupid.”

JENNIFER WINS, 38-4

The Sackbuts make easy work of the Micropolitans in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME, marking six straight losses for the home team. Third string quarterback, Matt McMattley, once again under center while the team deals with injuries and deportations, was asked why he doesn’t throw downfield more. “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want, but I have a very particular lack of skills.”

SAMUEL WINS, 36-12