Can Rachel Thrive in an Underdog Role?

by Lisa Largenips

December 26, 2019

2019 NPL Playoffs – Wild Card Round Write-Up

The worst teams of the playoffs play the second worst teams of the playoffs! Who will be worst? Will it be the 1st Worst or the 2nd Worst of each game? Who will be one-and-done? Who will be one-and-won-then-done next weekend?

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Jennifer Jellyfish Extend Jeff Jenstettler

by Eleanor Crosby

August 31, 2018

The Jennifer Jellyfish are looking to build on the success of last season, and one of the key factors that needed addressed this offseason was the extending of veteran QB Jeff Jenstettler. Jenstettler, 30, was among the best last year in passing from the pocket, baking pizza pockets, and eating Hot Pockets without getting the runs. However, at 6’0″, Jenstettler was a frequent victim of the batted ball at the line of scrimmage, ranking 12th in the league in pass deflections.

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Bernard Beekannon Tests Positive for Quaaludes

by Bernard Bagelbite

September 29, 2016

BB Cannons star running back, Bernard Beekannon, has tested positive for the recreational night life drug that once dominated the club scene in the 1970’s. Beekannon faces suspension for the NPL’s drug policy which states, “If you have drugs, bring enough for everyone.”

“I mean… where the hell did he even get those things?,” said kicker Brentleburg McBrentsworth. “I’ve been looking for ages, but they’re pretty much impossible to find. They looked so cool in that DiCaprio movie.”

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Andrew Androids Tight End Retires

by Eleanor Crosby

September 28, 2016

AE-16623-T’s primary operational protocol has been functioning as tight end for the Androids for the last four years. After three games into the 2016 season, the towering droid has decided to retire. AE-16623-T cited his taking care of its servo actuators as well as its central processors before the violent NPL game renders them obsolete.
Said AE-16623-T: “01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100010 01110101 01101001 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100001 01110010 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01101100 01100100.”

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Ethan Ebow Involved in Locker Room Altercation

by Stephen A. Smiff

Ethan Ebow, the controversial quarterback of the Evil Entities, was involved in a heated argument in the locker room following Wednesday night’s practice.
Ebow was seen on his knees bathed in a heavenly glow from an unknown source, shouting toward the sky “Father! Give me more time! I need more time!” Sources described the scene as deeply moving, having a profound effect on Ebow’s teammates.
“When he started levitating toward the light, I was freaked the **** out, man”, said All-Pro WR Ethan Edelman. “And where the **** was that heavenly chanting coming from? What the ****!?”

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