Cari Bous Players Walk Out
Cari Bous players walked out on the coaches on Tuesday morning, in protest of the “awful play calling and lack of preparation” in regards to Monday night’s NPL Game of the Week against the Evil Entities. The Entities, despite being one of the worst offenses in the NPL, still managed to cruise by the heavily favored Cari Bous 19-0.
“What can we do? We can only go out there and run double reverses so many times before the defense catches on and starts putting our guys in the hospital,” said All-Pro TE Kyle Cornswallow. “I mean, our coaches got us this far, sure. But at what point does the gameplan get called into question?”
Kev Kthulu to Miss At Least 3 Weeks
Following a horrendous play execution that saw Kevin Killcows QB Kev Kthulu throw the ball backwards out of his own endzone on the weirdest screen pass ever attempted, the Killcows sent in replacement QB Kevindarrio Krunch, a rookie out of Mountain Lake Forest State Technical Institute while Kthulu was examined on the Killcows sideline.
Jennifer Jellyfish trying new things
“Is this a fluff piece? This feels like a fluff piece,” said WR J.Y. Jenton. “Uh, yeah, I have been trying my hand at knitting. I’ve made a few blankets for my teammates and even knitted my own WR gloves.” Jenton’s drop percentage went up 3% since he started wearing his gloves. Like most of the Jellyfish players, Jenton is looking for a new approach to each game. The struggling Jellyfish offense is among the worst in the NPL and they’re all trying to solve the riddle as to why.
“Yoga. Pilates. Talking like a pirate. I’ve done it all to end an offensive drought,” said QB Jeff Jenstettler. “Yarr, it be a superstition, matey!”
Bernard Beekannon Tests Positive for Quaaludes
BB Cannons star running back, Bernard Beekannon, has tested positive for the recreational night life drug that once dominated the club scene in the 1970’s. Beekannon faces suspension for the NPL’s drug policy which states, “If you have drugs, bring enough for everyone.”
“I mean… where the hell did he even get those things?,” said kicker Brentleburg McBrentsworth. “I’ve been looking for ages, but they’re pretty much impossible to find. They looked so cool in that DiCaprio movie.”
Andrew Androids Tight End Retires
AE-16623-T’s primary operational protocol has been functioning as tight end for the Androids for the last four years. After three games into the 2016 season, the towering droid has decided to retire. AE-16623-T cited his taking care of its servo actuators as well as its central processors before the violent NPL game renders them obsolete.
Said AE-16623-T: “01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100010 01110101 01101001 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100001 01110010 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01101100 01100100.”