Are We Smarter Than ESPN?
It’s an age-old tradition in the NPL to poke fun at the ‘experts’ at ESPN and their echochamber of opinions when it comes to predicting success in football. Here, we have 28 people that make predicitions based on feelings, statistics, coin flips, whether or not one team would win in an all out brawl over the other team, etc. And consistently, the NPL has held their own.
We took a simple ‘majority rules’ approach to the picks: If more people chose Team A than Team B, then the NPL (or ESPN) pick would be Team A. With that in mind, let’s take a look at how we did in 2016.
Cari Bous Players Walk Out
Cari Bous players walked out on the coaches on Tuesday morning, in protest of the “awful play calling and lack of preparation” in regards to Monday night’s NPL Game of the Week against the Evil Entities. The Entities, despite being one of the worst offenses in the NPL, still managed to cruise by the heavily favored Cari Bous 19-0.
“What can we do? We can only go out there and run double reverses so many times before the defense catches on and starts putting our guys in the hospital,” said All-Pro TE Kyle Cornswallow. “I mean, our coaches got us this far, sure. But at what point does the gameplan get called into question?”
Kev Kthulu to Miss At Least 3 Weeks
Following a horrendous play execution that saw Kevin Killcows QB Kev Kthulu throw the ball backwards out of his own endzone on the weirdest screen pass ever attempted, the Killcows sent in replacement QB Kevindarrio Krunch, a rookie out of Mountain Lake Forest State Technical Institute while Kthulu was examined on the Killcows sideline.
Jennifer Jellyfish trying new things
“Is this a fluff piece? This feels like a fluff piece,” said WR J.Y. Jenton. “Uh, yeah, I have been trying my hand at knitting. I’ve made a few blankets for my teammates and even knitted my own WR gloves.” Jenton’s drop percentage went up 3% since he started wearing his gloves. Like most of the Jellyfish players, Jenton is looking for a new approach to each game. The struggling Jellyfish offense is among the worst in the NPL and they’re all trying to solve the riddle as to why.
“Yoga. Pilates. Talking like a pirate. I’ve done it all to end an offensive drought,” said QB Jeff Jenstettler. “Yarr, it be a superstition, matey!”
Bernard Beekannon Tests Positive for Quaaludes
BB Cannons star running back, Bernard Beekannon, has tested positive for the recreational night life drug that once dominated the club scene in the 1970’s. Beekannon faces suspension for the NPL’s drug policy which states, “If you have drugs, bring enough for everyone.”
“I mean… where the hell did he even get those things?,” said kicker Brentleburg McBrentsworth. “I’ve been looking for ages, but they’re pretty much impossible to find. They looked so cool in that DiCaprio movie.”